I look at my son now and wonder where he will go from here. I wonder what he will take with him, what he will learn from this point, and what he will do with his skills later on. I find myself angry at his situation; not the school or the administration, but at the kids in 6th to 8th grade right now in his school. While he was the tool that eventually led us here, they were the masterminds of this situation. The part that angers me is THEY WILL NEVER KNOW! They cannot, for their own safety. In the end, they are all simply children like Isaac.
How could I, as a parent, even whisper to one of them that their actions caused such pain and anguish to their friend and this family. That burden is best left unspoken, because I know it can destroy a potential life of purpose. It is like living with the fact that you killed a person unintentionally. While you know it was not fully your fault, it haunts you forever.
His face, as we found him, will haunt us forever. No amount of rejoicing, victories, birthdays, or other events of happiness will erase that but it is not a memory to inflict on others. We can at least take solace in that we bear that burden, not alone, but as a family.
10-7-11
We now have so much more of Isaac back now, but as his parent I am constantly watching for new abilities and opportunities for improvement. With him being in transition housing it feels so much like home, but I know he is not in a state where he would thrive at our home yet. Nevertheless, there are times I want to scoop him up, jump in the car, and head to the house.
I was already thankful for what I have been given. Now I am thankful for the ability to get up each day and survive without assistance. It is amazing what some people have to go through just to eat, drink, bathe, go to the bathroom.....to exist! Thankfully Isaac is 80% past that. He still needs occasional prompting, but a majority of his self-sufficiency is back. Thank you Lord!!!
9-21-11
It is difficult to watch him get up almost as normal as if I walked into his bedroom and woke him up for school, then watch as his mind starts to realize where he is and move from intuitive mode to decisive mode, only to come to a screeching halt trying to process multiple actions at one time. He is bouncing back, but my patience is always under constant pressure.
I almost lost it taking him the other night with the dogs. A child with a brain injury came past in a wheelchair, and I realized that was how they were used to getting their patients. One of the nurses told me they get all levels, from non-ambulatory and non-responsive to Isaac's level. Even many of the first kind get better and go home. Some get to a certain point and stop, others go all the way back up and out of the rabbit hole.
The minister on-staff and I talked about an hour about many things, but we both agree that this facility and its people know the value of spiritual healing in the process of transition between hospital and home.
9-18-11
Sitting with my son today I couldn't help but notice his desire to interact. The little things I see tell me that the Isaac I know is there, wanting desperately to talk to me, wanting seriously to bring those memories that elude him back in place. What bothers me is the slowness with which he responds. My first instinct is to blame it on the Ritalin, because I do not fully trust that drug. I try to curtail too much negativity there, because of so much positive signs of progression.
I keep feeling God is going to show us that Isaac will continue to progress and work his way out of this. His progression rate points to it. His periodic recall of facts and stories supports it. At some point I'm hoping to be comfortable with all I have seen and be certain that my son will return to normal. The stress I bear now is that I do not know, and will not know, until we get there.
I pray that another miracle will reveal itself and my Isaac will start talking to us, full of the understanding, pretentiousness, and feeling that was with him that night we said goodnight. I can see that he will not be the same little boy, but I want him to be the Isaac who can continue without hardship. I truly hope his burden is not to overcome some physical or mental hardship throughout his lifetime. God, you put us in place to be there at the right time, the right place, and with the right skills. Please heal my son fully!
9-15-11 (part 2)
It is amazing the number of people who have had something similar happen to a person in their family. I love to hear them, and am happy to have that deeper connection with people I already knew. It's even more amazing that some people look at this as negative. I do not wish to be rude, but visiting a cemetery instead of where we are now is what I would consider negative. This is purely positive. Stressful, crazy, challenging, time consuming, and a logistical nightmare....but positive!!!
For those who are following along, please understand you can still ask questions, even if you know that you are the 100,000th person to do so today. I'm all too happy to make it concise and give you the latest over text for the day. I'm still finding people, some in my neighborhood, who still do not know it happened. This blog is a PUBLIC item. Please share it, with my compliments!
9-15-11
Those who know me know that I am forever finding ways to help, but when it comes to receiving I find it hard to be humble. I cannot stress enough what kind of difference the dinners and the dinner coordinator have made in our lives. A special thank you to Tracy for taking on that role. Also, those of you who have worked with Tracy to get us dinners, we cannot thank you enough for the love you have shown our family.
For those who may not understand why this would be as important, let me tell you how my day typically goes (after work):
- · Leave work
- · Pick up my senior at school
- · Eat (my college son has received and prepared the dinner delivered)
- · Change
- · Leave for the hospital
- · 1-2 hours there to interact with Isaac and/or help with bedtime preparations
- · Back to wind down from the drive for sleep
Each trip is 58 miles. I used to like driving, but the older I get the more of a burden it becomes. My teenagers take turns riding with me so I don't have to do it alone, so believe me when I say “Thank you” for your help in our time of stress or thank you in advance if you have planned for us in the future.
I know some who are reading this are not local, but if anyone wants to get in touch with our coordinator (or knows someone who does) please email me at RefDad.at.Live.dot.com (You know how to put it together for email) and I will send you her name and number rather than posting it on the web.
9-12-11
I keep thinking about it, and thinking about it, and this keeps coming back to me over and over:
God raised his Son, who died for our sins.
He raised my son, who was also dead, through my hands.
He WILL help you, if only you will BELIEVE he can and LET him.
9-7-11
Many people ask how I am doing. I tell them my emotional cup is no longer full. Then, when I try to describe the wonderful things my son is doing again (that comes natural to the rest of us), I fill it back up again. I find the more time passes, the more evaporates from it.
I have been asked how I could cope. Some have said they just cannot imagine what I might have gone through. I can tell you that it was on the way home to get supplies for everyone staying at Children's (mom had ridden in the transport) that I had to pull over and "empty" that cup a little. My daughter was with me and thought I was making a quick trip to Wal-Mart. That lasted me until the second night, after seeing him get the tube removed from his throat and his holding on to Grandma.
When the accident happened, I was in automatic. I had had military training, CPR classes, and was an instructor in the 90's. I heard Jesse call, I saw him standing, and when I saw Jackie start to break down I knew something bad had happened and shifted into high gear. I look at it now that I was in "automatic". I went in evaluating the situation, fixing it, and the mechanics were orchestrated like they were the only option. I do not believe I was in charge of my movements, but rather the vessel for a greater power to use me and my knowledge to the outcome described.
I believe in divine intervention, and the 4 things at the bottom of the "How we got here page" prove to me that we were in the right place at the right time. It suggests to me that God knew he would try this and that he needed a messenger, a trumpet, a mechanic, and a voice in place to make all things work. A messenger to sound the alarm, a trumpet to maintain the spirit, a mechanic to put the spirit back in the body, and a voice to call for assistance in keeping it there.
I'm both scared for the future, because I don't know the outcome at this time, and that the progression will reach its maximum sooner than he is ready.
Like everyone else I want things back to the way they were, but apparently God does not, or else we would not be here. That realization has me wondering what changes should be made.
9/10/11
I started reading a book a couple weeks ago. It was "Heaven is for real". I reconnected with the feelings of God I remembered from long ago when I went on the mission. They have only been reconfirmed over and over in the last week. Who knows what the future holds?
